March 3rd-5th, "Thinking is Dangerous"
- Mar 5, 2017
- 5 min read
Hello and welcome to the fifth post of the Whatever Webcast, where I type about whatever the heck I please, whether it be something I figured out today, some sort of an accomplishment, or maybe just talking about my day.
Remember that work I said I was going to finish? Didn't finish. Not even close. And it has to be done by tomorrow. Well I know how to prioritize work.
Even though in truthfulness, I didn't have much time on Friday because after I got home I had like zero time left until I had to head out to this party, which I will go into more detail about.
So we had this party on Friday, and everything was fine and dandy and fun, but only until the last hour. Then everybody started getting into their little groups. Now I'm not a very sociable guy. I did a lot better when everybody was sort of hanging out. But when everyone started clumping together, I sort of started to bum out a bit because I somewhat felt left out. Well, more than I normally do, but that side of it is more personal, and may be talked about another day.
Since I am not that sociable of a person, I just began to sit by myself. And I was left alone with my thoughts. Now let me just say- I wasn't really happy. I started thinking 'Your lonely', 'Nobody cares', etc. I thought about this stuff before because again, I'm not very sociable. So I sat there, beating myself down, feeling lonely once again, even though I was entirely surrounded by people laughing and smiling. So then I thought 'Why do I feel unhappy? Shouldn't I feel joyful?' And even today, I don't know.
What made things worse was that another one of my friends, who is actually normally pretty sociable, she also started looking bummed as well. And we were sitting near each other. And I have wanted to get better at not only talking to someone whenever I have a problem, but also to be there for others when they have a problem, because that was something I rarely did.
And so the both of us sat there, separate from everyone else, in our silent little bubble of sadness, at least I know it was for me. So I kept thinking to myself 'Just talk to her about how you are currently feeling. You've talked to her about more personal stuff before. This is no big deal' But by the time I thought I had the courage to talk to her, I had to leave. So that feeling never really left, on top of that feeling of regret for not talking to her about any problems she might've had.
Then yesterday, Saturday rolled around. Yeah - the cringe of my problems doesn't end there.
So I went on this large group trip to Washington D.C. The trip itself was a fine, but going to and from D.C. wasn't.
You see, I live in North Carolina. So that trip took over maybe 3-5 hours to and from D.C. And that entire time, I basically had the same thoughts as the party, but even worse because I kept thinking back to some of the real bad stuff I did when I was younger, and the amount of regret I have for it now. And I thought of that stuff randomly. But that wasn't it - another friend who has also helped me in the past was there too. The reason why this made things awkward for me was how we left things off, with her getting annoyed and walking off when I needed her help for something else. Maybe it was just bad timing for her, I don't know.
Now what made things awkward with us was that not only did we (at least in my eyes) somewhat make up, because we were talking and joking and stuff, but I will admit there were a few times I thought 'She's gorgeous.', or 'She's smart.', or this or that, But the problem is - and I knew this well - she was already happily in a relationship. So I kept reminding myself 'No, that's not right. Not only is she in a relationship, you have said you are not looking for a relationship with anybody right now on multiple occasions.' And things didn't help when the others went to the restroom and it was just me and her in dead silence.
And while I am talking about her, I also recall her criticizing a gay couple. Now she did this because she is religious, at the very least more than I am. And she was talking about "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." And I remember replying by saying something like 'If they make each other happy, let them be.' The conversation continued for maybe two short remarks towards each other, until we past something about a cruise ship, then I commented on how it reminded me of one I have been on in the Summer of 2016, so I managed to switch subjects.
Now I don't know why that peeved me that she said that, or when other people say stuff like that, but it always does. Maybe it has to do with the fact my ex-girlfriend (the only one I've ever had, mind you) was bi-sexual and my 2nd cousin is gay. And I of course love my family, no matter who they are. Even though in his case, it's more of a matter that I have to because he's family at this point. But that's only because my cousin goes to his husband's family for Christmas, which is the only time I ever visit, so I never get the chance to see him. I sometimes get disappointed, but I understand.
Know what, since I already derailed from the original topic, I just want to add that I have been to my cousin's wedding, and I distinctly remember the reception being wonderful. They had pre-made speeches (or whatever the heck it's called) to say to each other, and I do remember most of the family at the very least coming close to crying during that. One thing that wasn't good- the food and food service. Now I'm not criticizing them in any way, as a matter of fact they were the ones to point it out in the first place.
Anyways, on to Sunday. So today, I woke up this morning, and I don't know what it was- maybe I was tired because of the long journey home or from the anxiety I felt over the past few days or the sadness I felt or what - but I woke up and just felt...unhappy. I felt drained of virtually all care and of all energy. Didn't help that I had to clean out the garage today.
Well, that's caught up on the past three days. Moral of the story- Thinking is Dangerous.
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